What creates my study space...

Someone somewhere once said that "it's all in the details" or something similar to that! I find that creating the ambiance for my studying is the "details". I thought I'd give you a window into my study world :).

Getting into the Word regularly is what I would choose to be the greatest enhancement to my study. Always a challenge to really delve in, but I have been enjoying reading through Luke with my church and the current sermon series.

I often sit on the floor by my sliding door. It's firm, so I'm less likely to fall asleep :). And the view is great. I watched Penelope, the chipmunk, running around the area today :).

I LOVE listening to Pandora radio. I have 2 stations that are my study channels... solo piano and violinist/guitarist. The latter actually has a classical guitar sound that speaks of Latin music. I can't do words when I'm studying. But I do love my Mandisa channel when I'm around the house.

I confess, Dove dark chocolates taken straight from the freezer give me joy. One of the wrappers says, "Happiness is an inside job." The other says, "Celebrate the small victories in life." Great wisdom!

I have not had a table to eat at or study at since I moved into the studio. I eat on my lap or tv tray every day of my life :). Until 2 weeks ago! I've been watching for a wrought iron bistro table for my little patio area for a while. I found one on clearance from Home Depot :). The weather is turning glorious for sitting outside. My wireless works there. I can sit at a table. AND I have visions of having a person or 2 over for dinner now... I can offer them more than a tv tray. I even think I could bring the table in for company in the winter, as long as I put something out first!

I've already gone through 2 reams of paper and I generously highlight those articles with bright colors! Highlighters lighten the mood, too. Not really, but at least the lovely blue, pink, green, or orange adds color :). Actually, I've already burned through the pink. I have one in my purse, in my desk, on my ottoman, and in my book bag.

I do like having a warm drink, typically a cup of Suisse Mocha GFIC. If makes me feel like I'm sitting at a cafe instead of desperately trying to stay awake by sitting on my floor to read.

And one last thing for now. I adore my two cows that are on my laptop wallpaper. They are from the Pioneer Woman. She takes the most beautiful, well captured shots of life on her farm. Sadie and Bessie bring a smile to my face every single time I open my laptop. Sadie is on the left, Bessie is on the right.

If any of this post seems a bit random or too odd, I did get 5-6 hours of sleep 4 nites in a row this week, and I'm on Day 2 of my Food Stamp Challenge... missing a bit of sugar and caffeine. So, hope you enjoyed this little peak into my studying soul.

Aha...

Let me quote a some of the beginning lines of the article I had to read in my Lifespan and Neurophysiologic Development class... "Such a stance implies that there are many possible realities based on many possible truths (Rosen & Kuehlwein, 1996). I hope to elaborate that normality is a value based concept; that it heavily depends on the sociopolitical economic context including the historical moment; that it is culture specific; and that there is no normality outside of a particular context."

"The idea for the subject of this article was triggered by a friend worrying that his twenty-year-old daughter had still not had any sexual relations. He did not use the word virgin, showing that female sexual relations have become transformed from a loss -- in this case loss of virginity -- to a gain -- in this case gain of sexual experience (Freud, 1999)."

When I read the title of the article, The Social Construction of Normality, I got a hint of a pit in my stomach. I could see the train lights at the other end of the tunnel. The day of orientation, the Dean of the school hammered into us that Social Work is about social justice. The prayer in the back of my mind at all times is, "Lord, how do I walk with integrity as a Christ follower and care about the oppressed and those discriminated against in the context of this academic setting?"

The morning I was headed to this class, my mama and I were talking. She expressed a concern of the liberalness of academia and my staying strong in my faith. I said, "Mama, do you really think I could lose my faith in school?" with some incredulity. That conversation stuck with me throughout the morning until I had an aha moment later on. aha moment -n an instant in which the solution to a problem becomes clear.

Honestly, until the "moment", I actually didn't realize that I had a problem. This still quiet voice whispered to me... "take heed, lest ye fall." I felt fear in recognizing my pride... no one sets out to be swayed by the opinions of the world. Who do I think I am, that I could be able to resist? Able to resist, that is, apart from an utter, daily dependence on the Lord and His Holy Spirit residing in me.

I gained a renewed sense of my need to cling to the Father and rest in His provision for my daily involvement in class discussions, responding to articles and discussion boards, and the moments of engaging with my classmates. I think I need to go back to mama, and apologize for my pride and thank her for pointing me to the cross.

The gift of Emmy Lou

12 days ago, my job at the center ended. For the last 3 (almost) years, I have had the privilege of serving those that most of us would shy away from in a sense of uncertainty and misunderstanding. I confess my own fear in the early days of working with severe mental illness. I came in with no experience with Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder.

As I began learning about mental illness, though, I grew in love with these individuals who moment by moment struggle to order their thoughts and communicate with clarity, who may not be able to discern if what they are thinking is real or a delusion.

A simple illustration, which came as I was walking out the door to leave last week, was an individual saying to me, "Dale Evans". I said, "O.K., love you...". He said, "Roy Rogers", I said, "Weren't they great!" He then, with a huge smile on his face, said, "Happy Trails!" I love that man!

Today, I passed a Ruby Tuesday and immediately thought of another resident. Each week, residents had to earn their points (Token Economy System) to go out to eat on Friday nite. One dear one, who has lost the privilege on occasion, said the first time I had to remind him that he couldn't go out, "You mean I can't go to Ruby's?!" speaking of Ruby Tuesday. I love that guy, too!

I miss them.

Orientation occurred last week. I'm proud that it took me until after lunch to start hyperventilating! I was following the librarian as she did a Blackboard tutorial and saw the workload for one class alone. Gulp. And I'm gonna work, too????

I got the anxiety level tamped back down til I got the call on Friday from Costco. I'm hired! and my first shift was 8 1/2 hours on Sunday. Whew. The time really did fly by. I did my orientation, then assisted at the front a little. The bulk of my time I spent folding clothes, and refolding... and folding them one last time.

I've been pondering how to use the time when I'm folding as there is no overhead music and little conversation happening. I did begin humming a hymn, then switched to "You cry mercy, Lord". I'm excited to practice remembering lyrics of old hymns... so rich in doctrine. Maybe I'll try and do a little scripture memory work, too. Not quite sure how to juggle a 3x5... I'll be experimenting.

So, back to the anxiety thing. It has been such a tangible "monkey on my back" for the last couple of weeks. You work at something, memorizing verses, asking God to free you and feel change and growth. Then it pops back up with a vengeance! Has it been too long for me to get in the groove of studying and writing papers? Will I be zeroed in on if I'm too verbal about my faith? Do I actually think I can do class 4 days and work 3? 4+3=7... 7 days a week?

I ran away to a B&B yesterday, Cherry Hill Farms, to give myself a sense of vacation, a moment to slow down, before class begins tomorrow. This morning, I woke up in my comfy bed (the Cowgirl room with a saddle in one corner) and began praying about my anxiety. Matthew 6:24-35 came to mind. I pulled out my Bible and began reading in Matthew 5 (while drinking my French Press coffee that was brought to my door). As I read through the Lord's prayer, I felt the calmness of the Spirit as I prayed with Jesus, "give us this day our daily bread." And then I continued reading in my current book, The Prodigal God, by Tim Keller. God has lavished us, poured out, His grace and mercy on us. Is He not sufficient to guide me, yea even carry me?, through these next days, weeks, months, and years? I let my gospel of doing everything right steal my experience of the TRUE gospel, where I CAN'T get it right, but it has been MADE RIGHT by Jesus. AMEN.

My choice, in this moment, and in the next (feel free to remind me), is to live in the true gospel. I may not make A's in school (I was praying for solid B's this morning), but I want to walk in peace and give Jesus away in my classroom and at Costco. I don't want to give away anxiety and whining. There's an abundance of that already. I want to give away hope and peace in the living gospel of Jesus.

My title tonite is "the gift of Emmy Lou". She is one of the dogs at the B&B and brought me great joy in the last 24 hours. She's actually a chihuahua, which I can't say I would ever go looking for, but she was the most gentle, loving, QUIET chihuahua I've ever met! She was one of the gifts of my slowing down to give God access to my fears. We sat on the stone wall together overlooking the horse pasture last nite and I thanked God for His presence in gifts like Emmy Lou.

I'll keep you posted on this new journey and we will experience together the lavished grace that calms our fears and stills our trying.

Transitions... again

After several false starts at blogging, I'll make one more attempt! I think the reason I falter is that I expect myself to write these profound pieces that will send everyone to their journals when I'm done :). It began when I wanted to be Elisabeth Elliot when I grew up. I loved reading her books when I was in junior high and high school. It gave me the greatest longing to point people to greater faith in God, just as she had pointed me to greater faith. Alas, that dream as a young teenager still drives me... my words have to count!

Another hindrance, too, is that I don't have children that say cute things or that I can take pictures of.

I live in a studio, so there aren't many photo's of home renovations.

I love to cook, and love friends blogs that include wonderful shots of luscious offerings on display. Studio stove, studio fridge, studio sink.

I do love words. And making people laugh. So maybe that can fill in some of the space whenever I write. And maybe I'll find a child or two. Or a picture of food out of a magazine.

Word for this blog? Transition: noun - movement, passage, or change from one position, state, subject, concept, etc. to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

Tomorrow, Monday, marks the beginning of my last week at my current job as Assistant Manager of a therapeutic residential program for adults with severe and persistent mental illness. I am two months shy of working there for 3 years. I wasn't sure I would last for 3 months when I first began there. I had no experience in mental illness and it was a bit daunting to learn on the job. I do love people, though, and it became clear that that was what God had called me there to do. I so longed to communicate respect, love, and value to this incredibly misunderstood and undervalued population of society. I have had the privilege of creating a home for them, too... cooking, cleaning, shopping... boundaries, conflict resolution, straight talk... working through delusions, confusion, and life stuff. God gave me a family. I am sooo thankful!

In one week, I will begin a new season as a Graduate Student. Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I paid off my consumer debt. Woohoo!!! On Wednesday of that same week, just one day later, I signed a Master Promissory Note promising to pay back an exorbitant amount of school loans so that I can make more money so that I can pay off the exorbitant school loan. Or something like that. I am terribly excited!

I am definitely a touch nervous, too. But not nearly as much as I would have thought. I am so thankful that I'm beginning this journey as a "mature" student. Surely the life experience that I bring to the table will count for something! This school, U of TN School of Social Work, seems very similar to my undergraduate experience. Classes 2 days a week, field placement 2 days a week, work every other moment :).

Speaking of work... I have an interview at Costco in the morning! I used the word transition earlier. A mere 4 years ago this week, I left my 18+ years of ministry with Campus Crusade for Christ to follow my dream of using my mercy gifts. In that 4 years, I have held 4 jobs. Thankfully, two of those jobs were accomplished within one year. I held the 1st one for 2 1/2 years working part time and the 4th one for these last 3 years. So... my resume became much more colorful... including retail at the mall, hiring nannies and caregivers for families, delivering food for a foo foo restaurant to include some catering, and working with the mentally ill population. Now I'm shooting for a warehouse feel. Colorful I tell you!

Oh, and I did use a friends kitchen to cook their birthday dinner. This is where I'll throw in a picture of food. I made Shrimp and Grits... and man they were good!

I am loving this journey that I'm on. Yes, I struggle with fretfulness about money, school, life. But I'm so aware of God's presence in this journey that He has called me to. The last 4 years, this long season of transition, has included some of the most honest conversations with my Savior. I have wrestled, plead, submitted, and repeated many times over. Many times, I haven't even been aware that I was doing this! I am thankful for His constant presence.

I look forward to dialoguing a bit with you. This post has been more of a catch up post. We'll see if I can be more narrow in my focus next time. Probably not. Maybe.

Why Musing?

Welcome to a new venture in my life! Many times over the last year of change and transition, friends have encouraged me to get a blog site and ponder online. So… here goes!

Those of you who know me better than some, know that I love words. Not just the speaking of them, while that is true, but also the sound of them as they paint a picture of what you are trying to say. I confess there there is a certain pleasure in my mind when I use a great word to express myself and it comes out right. Do you know what I mean?

Therefore, I think I’d regularly like to define great words in my blog. The first one, appropriately so, is musing - verb: to comment thoughtfully or ruminate upon. —Synonyms: cogitate, ruminate, think; dream, ponder, contemplate, deliberate.

While I won’t take the time to define ruminate… I know we are all envisioning a cow right now… I think you get the picture.

So, I invite you to check in every now and then. Comment as you have something to say... or just want to concur! Here goes...